No More Sides: Comfortable in my own skin
No More Sides: Comfortable in my Own Skin
Before I dive into this blog, I have to apologize for the time period between my last post and this one. School's just killing me this semester, and I had to make sure I focused on doing well to get my life back on track. This post is very transparent and personal, and as I get my thoughts onto paper, I hve to say this will be my hardest one so far.
This post has been through 3 years of hard research and hard talks with wise people, 20 years of life experience as a young black man and as a Christian.
The three photos are of some of the more important people in my life. My best friend, whom I've known forever, my adoptive family, and some of my biological relatives who I met a couple of years ago. These people have helped me in my journey the most, to becoming who I am today, and making it okay for me to be comfortable in my own skin.
My battle with race begun since I could first remember. How an issue that's about 2 millimeters thick have divided God's people since the beginning of time still blows my mind to this day?
As you know, I am adopted by white parents, and I'm the only one in my family, which includes extended family, who is African-American, or a minority in general.
Just a few months ago, I found out that one of my deceased grandparents on my father's side hated the fact that they adopted me into their family, and was incredibly racist. When I was little, my grandmother was sick. Being the innocent child I am, I walk into the hospital, trying to give her a get-well drawing hoping to make her feel better. My grandfather denied my family's presence simply because of his black adopted grandchild.
My foster family's grandfather, was also racist. When my foster family, who I'm still close with to this day, put me into his arms, he fell in love with me ever since, and immediately changed his bigoted ways.
But, my battle didn't end. In fact, it only just started.
In school, I was always stuck in the middle between two completely different worlds. my minority friends, always saw me as a "white kid", living in a nice home, with two loving white parents and little to no crime, drugs, and loving the Lord. To my white friends, I was their "black" friend, who was weird, but still cool enough to chill with them.
When I was in middle school, friends told me that I'm "too white" to be black, and picked on me for the way that I dressed. I had little to no friends, and I didn't know exactly how to fit in. So I decided to play basketball, simply because it was a game that all my black friends that I grew up with played. So I thought, "If I play with them, then maybe they'll take me in as one of them." I was wrong. In fact, I just gave them more reasons to make fun of me whenever I came into school the next day.
Then I graduated.
Phew, I'm done with this.
*in Donald Trump's voice "Wrong!"
High-school started now. Just started to see girls in a sexual way, teachers don't know me, and hopefully I will make some friends and create a new start.
Well, that was not exactly always a good thing. The first time I really started to talk to girls, and start dating, they would continuously stop because "I wasn't who they thought I was" or "too nice". That was code for "your not ghetto enough" or "your too white for me." To tell you the truth, it still happens to this day.
Hmm, I didn't know that black kids needed to act a certain way.
Teachers saw me as the stereotypical African-American jock, only there to play ball, and not give a crap about what anyone says. What they didn't see was the fact that I was a B-student, smart, woke and affection for others. Every time that parent teacher conferences came around, my parents would walk in, and their perception of me would instantly change.
My minority teammates saw my mistreatment, arguments about societal standards, and defense for their mistreatment as well, and after they saw my struggle, they took me in, making me one of them. Recognizing me as black, struggling to make it one day just like them.
I would walk into church every Sunday. Lost, confused, I was looking for a reason behind all of this. I was looking for someone to tell me why exactly I was being treated this way. Then I got the answers. My mom and dad preached that I was equal, when every time I walked out the door, the world kept telling me different. That I was less than, that my blackness was a menacing trait, that I should act a certain way just to be accepted.
This past summer, I've had a gun pulled on me from a policeman simply because I "was in the wrong neighborhood." Some of my neighbors assumed I was a drug dealer and questioned where I was for simply turning my car off and talking to one of my good friends, who was also black. They've known who I was, and I've lived on my street longer than they have.
Like, honestly, what God really creates other races, and allows one race to dominate over the others? "Sin." Nah, that's not a good reason. After the killing of Philando Castille and others who were losing their lives, I started to doubt everything and become weary. After a cop pulled me over for no reason, after giving someone a ride home from the Bristol Boys and Girls Club, I realized that his reasoning was for no other then the color of my skin. After Charlottesville, seeing thousands of people marching, chanting and marching for white supremacy and some claiming to be in the name of Jesus, I didn't know what to do. So I lost my way, my faith and foundational, everything everyone ever told me was thrown out the window. I needed to find my own way, develop my own thoughts.
So I began to read books that dove into racial reconciliation, black history, Christian history, and of course, the Bible. I read and prayed, hoping for God to just help me through this journey.
As well as taking courses that provided historical evidence behind the racial history of this nation, I also dove into the Bible for anything that may be eye-opening.
To cut the long story short, I came up with the conclusion that Jesus wasn't white (olive-skin is tan, i.e. Middle-Eastern) and since God created everyone in his image, race is just a social construct developed to mask the truths about the history of man and our shortcomings. A lot of what we've been perceived and been taught has been a lie and white-washed to cover the mistakes of those from the past. Slavery happened, black people putting in work, helping create this nation from the ground up to make it what it is today. Some of our nations most profound African-American leaders died fighting for this country to be equal for everyone, and it has been a shame to see this nation has become since.
Our church held a panel not too long ago, and seeing people open up to the life that myself and many others were living under, and eventually apologize for not seeing how racism affects our nation today. This culminated my thoughts and beliefs, and made me absolutely confident in who I am as a child of God, created with no blemishes, no errors or faults.
We talk all the time about bullying, and that by-standing is just as bad the ones bullying. Same applies to racism. Here's some of the racial terms that are being popularized on the Internet that I will help you guys to understand what it means.
"White privilege"---the ability to use the fact that your white to call out the act for what it is, because when black people do it, were just "race-baiting" or "crazy."
Gentrification: the process of making housing conform to a middle-class audience, driving minorities out of their housing.
One last question to ask yourself, my fellow Christians: Would you be okay if Jesus looked liked this?
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