Not All There
Shawn Caron
4/17/18
This verse is one of my favorite verses from my favorite song from Crae's new album "All Things Work Together".
But before I begin, I'm going to let you guys know that this is going to be personal. It may bring up some stuff to some, but I honestly hope my message todays helps someone going through But this is a way for me to sit back and reflect how far I have gone in my journey and battle with mental health.
I've never had to really think about mental health. Depression and anxiety, and suicide I always thought that it was something that weak people only went through. I never thought it would happen to me. The lost sleep, constant thoughts and acts of suicide, no joy, peace or happiness. Late nights crying to sleep, mood swings 24/7. That stuff is real.
Now I'm going to tell you guys a story. 3 years ago, I was in my freshman year of college, off of a hectic senior year of high school. I couldn't wait to leave my town and begin, and I thought I could start fresh. But the truth is, I was broken down. People walking out of my life with no explanation, I'm still struggling with my mothers death, which still affects me 13 years later. I had lost all of my spirituality and was living recklessly, pouring up on the weekend, waking up with females in my bed the next morning.
I wasn't myself. The Shawn that I knew was gone and my pain and depression fell into an all-time low. I was popping Xanax and a ton of Adderall, drinking and smoking my life away, and faking a smile to everyone I saw, including my girl and my parents, whom I'm really close to.
One week was rough. I stopped seeing the girl that I was with for about 6 months, and pushed her away, knowing the problem was me. A few of my boys I was with was going to smoke. Knowing I wasn't in a good headspace, I popped a few Xans and went out with them. Long story short, I ended up in the hospital, high out of my mind, reeking, parents crying in front of me on the hospital bed. I woke up holding my parents, embarrassed and sad.
I went home that night, the whole time thinking about ending it all. Didn't care about who I was going to hurt, didn't care about life, just wanted to see my mom on the other side of heaven, and leave this life of suffering.
As soon as I went through the door, my little sister, who was five years old at the time, ran up to me and hugged me tight, and cried to me before she went to bed. Then it all hit me, all of the people who are rooting for me and who love and care about me, who wanted me to succeed. My siblings, who looked up to me as a role model. My mother, who I was still mad at for leaving me at 8 years old, leaving me with all questions about my mental health and battles with depression. My father, whom I never knew and had all sorts of questions.
I went to my room, and just prayed for real, leaving everything out to God. "If your real, and you really have a plan, help me be strong. Help me cope with everything. I don't want perfection, I just want to start over. I want to live to the fullest, to smile and laugh, to experience the life that Nola (my mother) wanted me to have when she gave me up for adoption."
Now, its not easy. I still battle and struggle with my mental health and depression. But I know it's not about me anymore. It's about helping those who are going through the same thing. It's about being honest with myself and others. Your not alone, and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
4/17/18
Listen, now you gon' have to explain to me how the Lord love a little sinner like me
I've been over-stressin', I've been second guessin'
I was on them Xan's for a second, I was feelin' so defeated
I thought I was a leader
Hurt so many people, all I see is teardrops when I try to go to sleep
I heard you had a soft spot for the black sheep
Offer me forgiveness while I struggle to receive it
Now would you still love me if I took her home last night?
Smokin' and sippin' on that Patrón last night?
If I was poppin' pills tryna cop a thrill?
And I know I'm wrong but I do it 'cause it feels so right
Would I, would I still be a child?
And would you still be around?
If I'm sick of church and tired of prayin'?
It's been a while, I'm hopin' that you're patient"----Lecrae "Worth It"
I've been over-stressin', I've been second guessin'
I was on them Xan's for a second, I was feelin' so defeated
I thought I was a leader
Hurt so many people, all I see is teardrops when I try to go to sleep
I heard you had a soft spot for the black sheep
Offer me forgiveness while I struggle to receive it
Now would you still love me if I took her home last night?
Smokin' and sippin' on that Patrón last night?
If I was poppin' pills tryna cop a thrill?
And I know I'm wrong but I do it 'cause it feels so right
Would I, would I still be a child?
And would you still be around?
If I'm sick of church and tired of prayin'?
It's been a while, I'm hopin' that you're patient"----Lecrae "Worth It"
This verse is one of my favorite verses from my favorite song from Crae's new album "All Things Work Together".
But before I begin, I'm going to let you guys know that this is going to be personal. It may bring up some stuff to some, but I honestly hope my message todays helps someone going through But this is a way for me to sit back and reflect how far I have gone in my journey and battle with mental health.
I've never had to really think about mental health. Depression and anxiety, and suicide I always thought that it was something that weak people only went through. I never thought it would happen to me. The lost sleep, constant thoughts and acts of suicide, no joy, peace or happiness. Late nights crying to sleep, mood swings 24/7. That stuff is real.
Now I'm going to tell you guys a story. 3 years ago, I was in my freshman year of college, off of a hectic senior year of high school. I couldn't wait to leave my town and begin, and I thought I could start fresh. But the truth is, I was broken down. People walking out of my life with no explanation, I'm still struggling with my mothers death, which still affects me 13 years later. I had lost all of my spirituality and was living recklessly, pouring up on the weekend, waking up with females in my bed the next morning.
I wasn't myself. The Shawn that I knew was gone and my pain and depression fell into an all-time low. I was popping Xanax and a ton of Adderall, drinking and smoking my life away, and faking a smile to everyone I saw, including my girl and my parents, whom I'm really close to.
One week was rough. I stopped seeing the girl that I was with for about 6 months, and pushed her away, knowing the problem was me. A few of my boys I was with was going to smoke. Knowing I wasn't in a good headspace, I popped a few Xans and went out with them. Long story short, I ended up in the hospital, high out of my mind, reeking, parents crying in front of me on the hospital bed. I woke up holding my parents, embarrassed and sad.
I went home that night, the whole time thinking about ending it all. Didn't care about who I was going to hurt, didn't care about life, just wanted to see my mom on the other side of heaven, and leave this life of suffering.
As soon as I went through the door, my little sister, who was five years old at the time, ran up to me and hugged me tight, and cried to me before she went to bed. Then it all hit me, all of the people who are rooting for me and who love and care about me, who wanted me to succeed. My siblings, who looked up to me as a role model. My mother, who I was still mad at for leaving me at 8 years old, leaving me with all questions about my mental health and battles with depression. My father, whom I never knew and had all sorts of questions.
I went to my room, and just prayed for real, leaving everything out to God. "If your real, and you really have a plan, help me be strong. Help me cope with everything. I don't want perfection, I just want to start over. I want to live to the fullest, to smile and laugh, to experience the life that Nola (my mother) wanted me to have when she gave me up for adoption."
Now, its not easy. I still battle and struggle with my mental health and depression. But I know it's not about me anymore. It's about helping those who are going through the same thing. It's about being honest with myself and others. Your not alone, and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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